Saturday, April 12, 2014

Just a Dream

It's always hard to come down from a beautiful dream, especially when you really just want to live there happily ever after.  Thank goodness my reality is pretty dreamy.

Every time I dream it, I fall in love all over again - more deeply and more wonderfully than before.  It's a beautiful life that floats on clouds and has a fuzzy filter that softens all the edges and makes everything look heavenly.  Life is easy in my dream.

Every meal is a divine experience.  Eating with Love is so very satisfying and delicious, leaving me comfortably full and well-nourished.  Food is no longer my enemy in my dream.

Every breath is grateful.  I can't believe I'm such a lucky Cinderella.

Every kiss is magic.  I feel loved down to my bones.

Every adventure is memorable.  Nothing scares me.  I am safe.

And my happiness escalates to a place that most people will never know or understand.

I hope I dream the dream a million times before I die, because heaven will surely be a disappointing follow-up.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Life After Death

Yesterday's 20-mile run both invigorated me and squeezed out every ounce of energy I had.  I lived and died in those 3 1/2 hours.

The first 13 miles were golden.  My legs flew faster than they should have, but I allowed it because of the freedom and confidence it brought to my soul.  I am ready to face this race.  I was lit up inside with all the love my heart could hold, and the run was a celebration of life and love and everything good. 

I drank in the nature around me.  Yellow daffodils with heads still bowed waited gracefully for their day in the sun.  The earth looked antsy to be turned and planted and I guess it longs to bring new life into the world.  Swollen creek beds... quiet country roads... an occasional cyclist who gave a brief head nod, respectfully acknowledging our likemindedness and dedication to our sports.

The 3,048 feet of elevation thrilled me and tore up my legs after awhile, so that by mile 18 I felt that familiar tug in my groin and my pelvic floor felt like it was going to give way with my next step leaving my guts in a pile in the street.  I rationed my water and worried it wouldn't be enough.  The cloudless sky held a strong sun that beat down upon my head and reminded me how much I hate running in the sun.  

I fantasized.  I dreamed.  I plotted.  I imagined the marathon course and I visualized conquering it.  I was elated.  I was discouraged.  I was everything in this run.  

I thought about sex and love and the history of my life until now.  I thought about the last 10 years and how I went from complete misery to a blissful, loving, trusting, exceedingly happy life without a system, without a plan - with only my heart, my desire for Love, and a willingness to survive until I was capable of living. 

From death, springs life.  As it is with the barren farmlands, so goes my soul.  

Saturday, April 05, 2014


Today was a very good day.  

I slept in, after dreaming about running this morning's 5k and forgetting it was a race.  I then raced the real race and I was pretty happy with the results.  

Some primping appointments and one-on-one time with a couple of the kids, and today felt like it was a week long. 

Now here I am, snuggled in for the night on the eve of my last 20-mile training run before the big day.  I love this shit. 

Happy, happy.  

I'm a happy princess. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dare to Live

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don't exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation – with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.     ~ Dr. BrenĂ© Brown

I had a divine long run in the pouring rain today that opened my heart, and it's no accident that after I showered and snuggled in I tuned in to Oprah's life class with Dr. Brené Brown on the topic of vulnerability.

This woman gets it.

This is part of my story I've been trying to tell.

I spent years - decades - of my life suiting up with all kinds of armor to protect myself from being hurt.  And I was hurt a lot, though I am not unique in that regard.

My biggest gift of late is having someone in my life who is safe - someone with whom I can drop the bravado and truly be myself.  It hasn't been easy.  In the beginning, my voice would shake and I stuttered when I tried to open up with this person.  I was terrified.  And I got scared - a lot.  My head would start racing through all kinds of potential scenarios - all of which ended badly for me.  I what-iffed myself into craziness.

I can say with certainty, every time I remove a piece of my armor and become vulnerable (and it is a process - I did not drop everything in a big pile on day one) my heart opens bigger and wider and I experience more joy than I ever dreamed possible.

It has been an extraordinary experience.

The running has been a physical manifestation of this very same idea - that Love comes when I become brave.  Love comes when I face the road before me with courage and try something I've never done before or that scares me half to death.  And every time I do that which I thought I could not - and live through it, my soul comes alive.

Vulnerability.  It's a good thing.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


The waves wash over me and pull me down under until I can barely breathe.  I'm drowning in happiness and I've never felt so alive.  Is it ever too much?  Can you choke to death from joy that squeezes every last drop of sadness from you, leaving nothing but exhilaration and a pounding heart? 

Perhaps it is like running long...  All the hurt and pain and cynicism disappears with every exhale and with every gulp of fresh air my life is restored.  And in the end, I'm exhausted, but I live.  And so I go back again and again - for the long run - because it's never boring and I am addicted to the happiness it brings to me.  

All the things I thought I needed to be happy were just someone else's movie scripts.  The truth is that it defies all explanation and reason.  Happy is as happy does.  Simple kindness.  Smiling eyes.  Vulnerability.  Open hearts.  And lots of magic pixie dust.     

You Can Do Magic

I never believed in things that I couldn't see
I said if I can't feel it then how can it be
No, no magic could happen to me
And then I saw you

I couldn't believe it, you took my heart
I couldn't retrieve it, said to myself
What's it all about
Now I know there can be no doubt

You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
Magic, and you know
You're the one who can put out the fire

You know darn well
When you cast your spell you will get your way
When you hypnotize with your eyes
A heart of stone can turn to clay
Doo, doo, doo ...

And when the rain is beatin' upon the window pane
And when the night it gets so cold, when I can't sleep
Again you come to me
I hold you tight, the rain disappears
Who would believe it
With a word you dry my tears

You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
Magic, and you know
You're the one who can put out the fire

You know darn well
When you cast your spell you will get your way
When you hypnotize with your eyes
A heart of stone can turn to clay
Doo, doo, doo ...

And If I wanted to
I could never be free
I never believed it was true
But now it's so clear to me

You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
Magic, and you know
You're the one who can put out the fire

You know darn well
When you cast your spell you will get your way
When you hypnotize with your eyes
A heart of stone can turn to clay
Doo, doo, doo ...

You're the one who can put out the fire
You're the one who can put out the fire
You're the one who can put out the fire ...

Monday, March 24, 2014

My Gladiator

I long to be ravaged by a gladiator with starving eyes and a fire that burns hot beneath his armor.  

I want the very best gladiator - the leader - the one most admired.  I want the most brilliant mind and the warrior who knows that his deftest sword-swinging skills are fueled by the passion in his heart and not by his bulging muscles alone.

I want the man who makes me feel completely safe - the one who would move the earth to rescue me from harm.  I can let go of being careful and fall freely... down, down... into his arms where I kiss him madly until we both come up gasping for a breath.  

And his eyes speak to me without a sound, and this legendary hero sends my heart beating into a rapturous melody unknown to souls this side of heaven.  

His strength engulfs me and both of us fall under the magic that entangles hearts and causes two bodies to devour each other, pressing flesh against flesh until there are no spaces between them.  

I want this gladiator wildly.  My chest aches from the longing to touch his skin and for him to put his hands on mine.  I want to be held and kissed and touched everywhere that can be reached.  

I want to be drunk with happiness and with wine and with a full heart.  

I want this gladiator to exhaust me, and I him.  I want to love him until neither of us can move and then do it again.  And again.  And again.

And again.

And I want to lie still with him and feel everything there is to feel.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Run On... Be Still

Anyone who runs long distances can tell you that we get an awful lot of concerned questions and probably a lot of sarcastic sympathy for our crazy, fucked up obsession.  And still, we run.

What do I have to prove?  It's not about proving anything.  It's about being my best me - only for me.  It's about trying my hardest.  It's about not being careful.  It's about facing a challenge square in the face and doing it.  I don't have to be measured by anyone's standards but my own, and even those can change with my mood.  I don't have to win the race, I just have to win my race.  (But placing in my age group totally rocks.)

What if I get hurt?  So far, so good.  I think I'm more likely to end up in a hospital from sitting on my ass too much than from running too far.  And if I did, by chance, end this life because of a run, you could not blame the run for my death, but credit it for my living.  

Don't I get bored?  I have never - ever - been bored on a run.  Running makes me feel.  Running breathes life into my soul and reminds me I'm not dead yet.  I've felt like I was dying; I've felt like I was flying.  But never bored.  Nope.

I must be addicted to exercise - that's not good.  Okay, maybe I am.  Aren't there worse addictions to have?  I am addicted, not to the running itself, but to the joy of the run.  I am addicted to the connection I feel to the earth and to the energy that it returns to me.  I am addicted to the opening of my heart and to the letting go of everything I hold too tightly.  I am addicted to the inevitable pain that yanks my wandering mind immediately back to the present moment and connects my head to my body.  In those moments - those brief clips of time - I experience the mysterious holy trinity connecting my parts with the language of Love that cannot be explained but must be lived to know and understand it.

Like Mr. Gump, I suppose I'll know when I'm done running, and not before.  Until then, I'll just keep going.

I'm neither running away from my past nor running towards an unknown future.  I'm running to quiet the din inside of me so I can listen to the world around me.  And I'm running to silence the world so I can find my own voice.  

I'm running... to be still.  

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Time-Change Quickie

I'm plum-tuckered out.  This week was bright and thrilling from start to finish, leaving me fully charged with a pounding heart and a big smile.

It's exhausting, being happy.  :)

My days and weeks are very predictable.  Some would say boring.  But I've grown to love the rhythm of my life.

But I do wonder how it is that these routine moments continue to delight me so after years?  I've not tired one bit of the everyday sights and sounds; instead I grow more and more excited by them.  I find the consistency terribly comforting.

But sleep is demanding my attention at the moment - tomorrow is an early start and a very long run.

Springing forward an hour means Tuesday comes that much more quickly.

I love Tuesdays.

Dream Guy

Rock-hard everything
Emotion-filled eyes
Healing hands
Witty humor
Unmatched smarts
Sincere compassion
Superman strength

Kisses with words attached
Hugs that swallow me whole
Belly full of fire 

Uncontrollable ravaging
Tender talking
Fearless leading
Unwavering love

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Goodness Gracious

I'm so glad I'm not her.  I'm so glad my life is no longer full of tears and pain and frustration.

Even on a tired day with stresses coming from all sides, one look at the face of Love and I am yanked back into the moment where I am content and blissfully joyful.  Love pulls the sheets off of the ghosts and exposes the Truth, and nothing seems too scary anymore.

I couldn't have done anything to deserve all of this goodness.